Grief

I really though I knew about loss and grief.  I have lost my father, mother, nephew and brother. But Steve's death has caused a void that I can't quite describe.  My grief counselor told me that grief is not linear. Yes there are stages but you don't go through them step by step and sometimes you go back and forth. I'm finding that to be true. 

During the recent windstorms we had a dock box on the back patio that stored cushions for outdoor furniture.  I gathered the cushions but the dock box was damaged beyond repair.  So it was torn apart and trashed. As I look at that empty spot where the dock box once sat, I thought that is how I feel; Like something that was there for so long is missing and now it just looks different. Empty. Bare. Noticeably missing. 

Sure I have continued on with my daily life, I get up each day, I go to work, I function.  I do things. I went on vacation, I had fun on vacation. But that emptiness lingers.  It happens in the ordinary day to day things. Things that "We" did together and that absence is quiet but it gets loud sometimes. I've navigated the paperwork, I've sorted through some things. (So much more to do) The thing is if things look like they always did, it's comforting, even though I know he will not return, I guess admitting it seems so final.  I know these things need to be done and sometimes it's therapeutic to go through stuff, sort, organize, pitch. Remember. 

Some days it still feels so surreal that I'm living this life now. A widow.
I always said Steve was the calm to my storm and I can't even begin to tell you how true that was. He was also not just my husband, but my best friend.  With him, I could be me: Unfiltered. Unhinged sometimes. He would listen, without judgement. He would give advice when I asked (and sometimes when I didn't). I could be happy, sad, loving, silly, mad and just 100% me.  His love was unconditional. 

I have found that posting memories, or quotes makes some people uncomfortable. I'm not looking for pity, just posting my feelings and I am a very emotional person. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I find that writing my feelings or finding a quote that explains how I feel helps me to know my feelings are valid. I know I'm not the only person that has lost someone, yet sometimes I do feel alone in my grief, that I have to protect others from this pain that I feel. Some days I feel brave and strong and ready to take on this new role I find myself in.  Some days I don't. I don't want to burden people. I don't want to ever be a burden to anyone. It's unchartered territory for me and without my captain to navigate, I just feel that loss so deeply. 

My kids, Steve's kids and our grandchildren have been a tremendous source of comfort.  My siblings, my friends, my other family members, they all are there for me. I am truly grateful for each person in my life. I love the random texts or phone calls just checking in.  I do have a deep faith in God and I pray daily for clarity, for guidance in the ocean of life. Some days the water is choppy and some days it's calm. I keep moving forward. I'm reminded of this quote by Jimmy Buffett and I'll end it here:

Grief is like the wake behind a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate. And after a long time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that is when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above.